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day 4 self portrait.jpg

I lied, what about it? I loitered too. Like Dust.
- Terrence Hayes, “Ghazal-Head” in Lighthead

I am 5 foot 5 inches brown hair and thinking about shaving my head. People are impressed by how much I have done in my life and I am impressed by how much of my life is a collection of soft, uncommitted sketches that are half-erased, ripped up, moving on to a new page. I like certain kinds of people and I can’t explain them, but one is the man at the farmer’s market who sells corn dogs with his son and seems like the type to go out of his way to say “PUN INTENDED!” right after the pun itself, before the sentence is over. I am a work in progress with a fixation on personal growth, and I move really fast, I know that even my slow is going to surprise people, and I am trying to be ok with it. I like to ride my bike. I like to put my body in water but swimming feels wrong to my bones, my arms don’t move that way, my back muscles and hand muscles cramp up before it seems like I should be tired. I’m not looking for new discomfort, but I am a curious guy, so it finds me. AHHHHH! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve really screamed all the f*** out. Most of them have been when someone I’m in love with leaves me, including when my mom would close the door to my bedroom and tell me I wasn’t allowed to come out or I’d be in deep sh*t (she never said sh*t). What else about me, well I clench my teeth and the dentist says that’s why I have a crack going longways in one of my big front teeth. It’s also why the same molars on each side are almost completely  flat. It’s why I wake up feeling like I gripped the whole world and got nowhere all night. It’s why TMJ. Yesterday I got a massage and it felt like a non-massage, it was over before I was allowed to go anywhere in myself because the lady kept pacing around me going “hm yes ok here we go I’m just gonna yep, no worries, here is this and there is that and I’m just gonna,” and also, "WOW I LOVE YOUR TATTOOS, do they like, mean anything or are they just for fun.”